Why Do We Do It?

The question of why I go to work each day continues to loom front and center. Especially why I continue to go to my particular job.

I know the answer, though, which, sadly, may put me miles ahead of most people. I’ll bet most people would say they keep going back to their job because of the paycheck. But really, that’s a sorry excuse to keep going back to a job you hate, or even dislike a little. Or even if your bored completely to death. All of the above (and many more, I’m sure).

We forget, myself included, that we have choices. We really do. They may not always be obvious, in fact they’re usually not obvious at all. Wouldn’t it be great if they were!

No, we get stuck in our day to day mindset of what we think is possible because it’s all we see every day. Change is scary. And it’s scary even though most of us are dealing with it in one form or another more than people ever have in human history.

Maybe that’s what makes it even scarier. We want to hang onto what feels comfortable and routine. And then there are all those voices in our heads, put there by well intentioned people like our parents. ‘Don’t rock the boat.’ ‘You’ve got this great government job, why would you give that up?’ ‘You have dreams, what’s the matter with you? Are you crazy?’

So, why am I staying at a job I’ve long since outgrown? Because in less than a year I can “retire” with full health insurance benefits (and a little money on the side, although not enough to live off of). If it was much longer than that, I wouldn’t stay.

Probably most readers of this blog are younger than me, so many of you have 20 years or more to get a little slice of some lousy pension. What a stupid thing to wait a lifetime for if you’re miserable.

I don’t suggest quitting your job immediately, but I do suggest that you change your frame of mind and begin focusing on the things you really enjoy doing. And when you’re ready, which will most likely be sooner than you could have ever imagined, leave that crappy job and go somewhere else. Somewhere where people respect you and you respect yourself.

I know it’s possible.

Ok, maybe it wasn’t as bad as all that, but today was one of those days at work where it felt like it. The amazing thing is that here it is, 7:30 PM and the problem was resolved 2 hours ago. We can all enjoy our weekends. That’s not always the case in systems, as anyone who works in this industry knows all too well. We’ve all done all nighters at least once if not numerous times. And we’ve all been called in the middle of the night when a system goes down.

And if we’ve been in systems long enough, we’ve been the one to take down the system inadvertently. We just have to brush off our egos and get back to work. Well, let me restate that, we just have to brush off our egos and get the hell back to work and get the system back online (and try not to beat ourselves up too badly the whole time).

The best part about being a systems admin for a large enterprise, for me, is that I don’t work alone. The bureaucratic crapola drives me nuts most of the time, but I know it’s there for a reason. We’re going through an enormous reorganization, creating new processes and teams and you name it.

I’ve said it before in other posts and I’ll say it again. I have the best team I could ask for. They’re not perfect, I’m not perfect, we have our days, but we get the job done and we communicate pretty well. Especially considering we’re spread all over the west coast, including Hawaii. And especially considering we’re working in a high-stress pressure cooker with other jobs and responsibilities.

I continue to look forward to the day in the not too distant future, that I will be doing something completely different which will not involve machines. Well, indirectly it will, but I won’t be responsible for them. I guess there’s not much we do anymore that doesn’t rely on machines somewhere down the chain, is there?

To get through the rough days, it helps to laugh and remember to be grateful for what we have that gives us pleasure. And, always, remember to breathe. Oooommmmmmmm.

I ran across this today from one of the internet’s premier teachers, Mark Joyner. He is taking advantage of what I love about the internet today. What is that? Social networking! It’s really what networking has always meant until you put all the electronics and technology in front of it. That’s why we call it social networking now, instead of just networking.

Now I know that most of you love your jobs so much that you couldn’t possibly think spending a couple of hours a day writing about something you love instead. You might even make some money doing it and eventually get to say SO LONG to that job you love so much.

I am spreading the word about the free blogging course that Mark is offering. He’s using word of mouth advertising in a most inventive way. I’ll bet this is all over Facebook and MySpace by now.

Let me know what you think.

And back to conference calls from hell. I’m trying to decide how to approach my current situation. Shall I just keep showing up and go through the motions of being engaged in a project I could care less about, or do I say something to my manager? And if I said something, would he even care?

To pick apart this problem logically, and remembering that the definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results… well, here’s the scenario.

I’ve worked for this current agency for almost 4 years and in those 4 years I have rarely felt supported or mentored on a personal level by my boss. I’m not sure why this would be any different now.

On the other hand, I’ve learned a great deal and I’ve been handed responsibilities which have challenged me personally and professionally. So, maybe that is what I should embrace as mentoring. Kind of the trial by fire mentoring so many of us go through.

This is in no way meant to demonize my boss. I know that he is under alot of pressure to get things done and he relies on his staff, and especially his upper level staff, to help him accomplish these goals. He has trusted me with a high level of responsibility and I appreciate that on a personal level. I appreciate the opportunity I’ve been given to take a leadership role and guide teams.

So, why am I feeling so un-engaged? It occurs to me now after thinking this out loud, so to speak, here… that this is much more complicated. Maybe if I list it out.

1. Reorganization, no dedicated staff.

2. Reorganization, no dedicated staff (oh, sorry, I already mentioned that).

3. No one asked me (not sure why this should be important, though).

4. Huge bureaucracy overhead. Maybe I’d be happier working in a smaller organization.

5. No one to talk to about my career goals and where I’m headed in the organization. This is why I am leaving at my first possible opportunity.

As far as #5 goes, maybe I just haven’t been brave enough to talk to my boss. Oh, wait, I’ve done that and he hasn’t responded. But which boss? I’ve had 3 new managers in the last year. This past year I never got an evaluation, even though I initiated the conversation about it.

Ok, well, I’ve gotten all that off my chest. On the positive side, I still know how to solve technical issues and every now and then get to, I think I’m respected by my team and I get paid pretty well.

So, for now, I’ll continue to show up.

I always think that work will slow down and give me a break this time of year, but up until 4 days ago, such was not the case. However, now that I have been off for all these 4 days, I hardly remember work at all. Thank goodness for time off.

Provided I stop thinking about work, the people at work, my evil boss, the things I have on my to-do list, etc., time off is a glorious thing. In fact it’s a necessity to anyone’s psychological well-being.

I have worked with people who carry their laptops, pagers and cell phones with them on vacation and on the weekends. I’ll admit, I even did a little of this early on in my IT career. At first I drew the line on vacations, however on weekends I still logged on and checked the backups and health of my systems. I do none of that now except for extreme circumstances.

But, like I said, I worked with one person in particular who felt that the place could not get along without him and he never took time off. Maybe it was a blessing for him when he was fired. Sincerely, I hope he is doing well now. I’m pretty sure he probably is.

Tomorrow morning I’ll turn my laptop on again and I’ll read my email and submerge myself once more into the world I call work, but for tonight, the present is all I chose to give my attention to.

Most of us really love to complain about our jobs, our bosses and our organizations. Usually there is a very good reason for this. Our jobs suck, our bosses suck and it’s a wonder the organizations we work for are successful at all. And, well, complaining helps on some level, making us feel some power in our lives.

The truth is that we all have choices. We really don’t have to stay at that job we are dissatisfied with. After all, this is our life and our jobs use up most of our energy and our time. Sometimes we feel trapped because we can’t imagine we’re capable of doing or being anything else.

But wait, you say, I can’t just up and quit my job today! It’s true, sometimes we really do have good reasons to stay at an unfulfilling job especially when we have a specified end date in sight and we’re working towards something that brings us closer to what we love and really want to do.

Resources & Wisdom - 5 Ways to Leave Your Job
(ok, bad take on 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover… sorry) I’m sure there are 50 ways, though, at least! So you can be sure that this list will grow in time, keep coming back for more.

For now, I’ve put together an initial list of resources and bits of wisdom that have helped me move beyond feeling trapped in my job and life in general. I hope these help you in at least some small way as you make your way towards your ideal life.

1. Take the Passion Test! I did this for the first time about 2 years ago when I was feeling completely hopeless about my job situation. I was surprised by what I learned about myself.

2. Read books. I have to say I sometimes go off the deep end on Amazon, but every now and then I discover books that really help me change my mindset. The book I most highly recommend is The Joy of Not Working: A Book for the Retired, Unemployed and Overworked- 21st Century Edition. There are many others, though, and in a simplistic sense, books give us ideas that we probably hadn’t thought of ourselves.

3. Go over your finances. Figure out what you need to pay your bills, including any debt, your rent or mortgage, utility bills, grocery bills, gas (of course you’ll need less of that when you no longer make that long commute). You get the picture, I hope. Document how much money you need for essentials. This helps to give you options for what you may decide to do after you leave your job. If you need help paying your bills, this is a good place to begin that process (i.e., freeze your credit cards, literally).

4. Remember to laugh. Watch funny movies, read the comics, laugh at your mistakes. We’re only human and humor is imperative for our survival. Interesting how human and humor share the same etymology (going back to hummus). Don’t take my word for it, though, that’s what Google is for.

5. Lighten up. You probably hear this so often you want to punch the next person who says it to you. This is probably in the same category as resource #4, but I mention it again just because it’s that important. I thought about the progression of my own life just last night when I was brushing my teeth. I’ve lived in Seattle for the past 25 years. Before that I was a child and young adult. Now I move into maybe my last 25 years. How do I want to spend them and how do I want to feel? It’s really all up to me.

1. I’d choose the people I was willing to take orders from. For as long as I work at my current job, I have to take orders from people I’d rather not even know.

2. I’d have time to meditate for an hour every morning before embarking on my day.

3. After meditating, I’d write for at least an hour.

4. After writing, I’d go work out at the gym or take a long walk in the neighborhood.

5. I’d travel back east to visit my mother more often.

6. I’d do four 2-3 week international trips every year with my partner (and take lots of pictures and post them on my website).

7. I’d get a fantastic camera and zoom lens and take pictures of birds, people and other wildlife.

8. I’d have plenty of time to volunteer my skills to help make the world a better place.

9. I’d make so much money that I could give lots of it away.

10. I’d play my guitar and finally get good at it.

I’m sure I’ll revisit this question many times. Today I am writing because I lost a colleague to an early death.

He didn’t make it to retirement.

We all die, of course, but this is a reminder to live the life we choose. So why is it that choosing can feel so difficult?

Tell me why you think that’s so.

What a difference a day makes. This is why I do this job. Our meeting was wildly productive, we have clear focus and goals and we’re working together in ways only a face to face meeting can produce. It’s so important for a geographically disperse team to come together.

Our first night, in retrospect, was a display of what we were all feeling after months of working virtually with little purpose and direction. And definitely without the support we really needed.

I feel very blessed to be working with this team.

Let me first say, I do not feel comfortable being a team leader to a semi all volunteer team where each member works primarily for someone else, in another location, for local purposes and where their motivation is guided by becoming visible (and thereby, hopefully more employable) as the organization changes, becoming more global.

It’s amazing that anything gets accomplished at all, really.

In the meantime, I am counting down to my retirement in just a little over a year from now. I want to be useful, but I really am not useful at all in this environment.

Ok, so the first meeting was a little negative. And I’m gaining weight and I don’t want to be here anymore. I know I can create a life where I am being who I choose to be. I am not being who I choose to be in this job anymore.